for all of you who still swing by every once in a while, i am moving my blog to a new site. look for aemarks.blogspot.com to continue the drama that unfolds. (right, huh?) any way, i hope to see you over there!

Doctor: Do you think I could talk to Him?

Agnes: You could try, but I don't think He'll listen to

you.

Doctor: Why not?

Agnes: Because you don't listen to Him.

i am in a play - one that is kicking my butt. it's a show that everyone has heard of, if not had to read the play or see the movie. it's Agnes of God. and it's the most difficult show i've ever had to do.

what makes it so hard? the content, for one. the fact that the director is trying to direct his wife (which isn't going so well). and the physicality of what i have to do nearly every night - the tension, panic attacks, emotion, and anger are enough to drain anyone.

but i also have this fear of looking ridiculously stupid. at the start of rehearsals, the director called us together and asked us to not discuss the show outside of rehearsals, not to "direct" or give tips to our fellow actresses, and that the rehearsals be closed. at the time, i didn't realize how big a problem that was going to be for me.

you do something that you put alot of yourself into. whether it's writing, drawing, painting, a friendship, relationship, anything that requires time and effort on your part. don't you feel that need to be recognized for what you've done? not just from one person, but from outsiders? everyone has felt this way, surely. well, i'm an actress. i require feedback. that's why i do what i do. that's why i get on stage and perform.

but this show is special. this is a powerful show. it's a show that makes people uncomfortable. it's a show that has something to say in a very serious way. and it's a show that means alot to me. this is the show that i feel if i can make this character happen, then i can do anything. this is it for me. the one. and i can't get any damn feedback from anybody!

it seems like such a small problem, i know. and maybe in the grand scheme of things it is. it's just, i want so much to make this show work. i don't want to be seen as the weak link.

sorry they are so late in coming - but isn't he adorable?

have you ever been haunted by a dream? maybe one from your childhood where you are running around naked in school. (who hasn't had that dream?) maybe one more recently. why do dreams have this power to affect us? is there truth in dreams? is it just our fears coming out? is it our way of dealing with an overload of emotions (or in my case, hormones)?

lately i've been having dreams that something happens to me and tb won't be taken care of because no one will get to him in time. now, i know i'm a new mother, and i'm sure there are others out there who have felt the same way. my mother says that it's just my body and mind dealing with the new responsibility i have. i would say yes and no. i can see a progression from "what if something happens to him - what will i do?" to "what if something happens to me - what will he do?". see the difference? my feelings are more concerned with him than with me. how's that for growing up?

interestingly enough, i watched csi last night. there are some who don't appreciate csi as much as i do, but that's not the point. see, last night's episode dealt with a mother who was killed in front of her 1-year-old. but she was killed just a couple of hours before someone was scheduled to pick her up. this way, the baby was taken care of. now, add that to my already overloaded emotional state from these dreams, and i just lost it. hubby was very sensitive to my plight, and very reassuring. but it got me thinking. do all people react to dreams like this? does everyone have in their past a dream that haunts them to this day?

i had another dream last night. again, it was about tb. but in this one, someone was trying to drown/smother him. and i killed the bastard without even thinking about it. i woke up feeling kinda good. at least i know in my mind how i would react. let's hope it never comes to finding out if i could really do that.

i asked hubby about my dream. if he could kill for me or tb. he said yes. in a heartbeat. which elicits two reactions from me. one, "my god - he would kill someone". two, "my god, he would do that to protect me and tb". it makes me feel safe to know that we mean that much to him.

do dreams come from your innermost thoughts that you don't even tell yourself? do they manifest your fears, your hopes, your crazy? do they ever go away? i don't know. i've never studied freud. i've never studied dreams. i just know that knowing i could (at least in my head) protect my baby makes me feel empowered and better about myself than i have felt in a long time.

ok. i'm going crazy. i am not ashamed to admit it. i have more time than ever because i'm not working, and yet it feels like i have no time at all. there are thousands of things that i can be doing - things that i could have done in under an hour while working full time and being the lead in a play. things i wouldn't have batted an eye at. now, however, i'm just going crazy. turtle is awake more, so if i don't spend time with him, i feel guilty. BUT. if i don't get the housework done, i feel guilty because hubby is at work all day. you see my problem? i feel guilty no matter what i do! when i'm with turtle, i can't get the chores done. when i'm doing chores, i can't be with turtle. and when he's sleeping, i know that i should be resting, but again there's the overwhelming guilt of not getting anything done around the house.

anyone know of a good maid service?

on top of all that, i'm going stir-crazy. i can hardly get out of the house. i don't always get a shower. i'm trying to take care of turtle and myself. it should be easy, right? after all, i have 26 years experience taking care of myself. and turtle doesn't require that much, does he? just constant feedings, comfort, baths, clipping fingernails and toenails, changings, laundry, diapers, naps, wipes, ... you get the picture.

no wonder that's where all my time goes.

i love my son very much. but how is it possible that someone so small can monopolize my time? there's just as much time in my day as there was before. right? or is there some kind of "mommy time warp"? days seem to pass so much faster than before.

maybe i can just throw everything out and start with a totally empty house. it's got to be easier to keep clean, right?

here are some quotes i ran across today that spoke to me in some way or another. hopefully, some will speak to you.

The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart. - Helen Keller

Our strength is often composed of the weakness we're damned if we're going to show. - Mignon McLaughlin

Forgiveness is an act of the will, and the will can function regardless of the temperature of the heart. - Corrie Ten Boom

There comes a point when you really have to spend time with yourself to know who you are. - Bernice Johnson Reagon

You have to leave room in life to dream. - Buffy Sainte-Marie

what is love? what does it mean when you say you love someone? what does it mean when you say you love something? are they the same thing? why do we use that word so much?

does loving someone mean that's the way you feel about them? or is it a decision on your part?

why can we use the word love so freely when referring to things, items? and why is it so hard to use it when referring to people? what is so strange about using the phrase "i love you"?

to me, love is more of a decision. you find someone whom you want to be with. just that person and no one else. and you make a decision, conscious or no, to be with that one person and to work through whatever comes your way. of course, feelings have a lot to do with it. but feelings are also misleading. there is usually that flash-fire chemistry that leaves you weak in the knees when you first meet someone. there's the mystery, the intrigue. you want to spend all your time with him. you want to know everything there is to know about him. you regret that you weren't there for his past. but if it's not an effort that you are willing to work at EVERY DAY, then is it love? or is it just lust with a little like thrown in for good measure?

love is hard. love is compromise, and admitting fault, and being flexible. love is ever-changing. love is forgiving, but love also means never having to say your sorry for who you are. love looks to the future; it doesn't dwell on the past. love fits. you know?

have you ever gotten so wrapped up in the past, drudged it up so to speak, that you got stuck? became so unbelievably overwhelmed with the thoughts of the past that you couldn't breath?

i sometimes put too much emphasis on the past. on my past, the pasts of others. the thoughts, ideas, memories of things long gone. the past dates, relationships, opportunites, regrets, experiences, etc.

this was greatly increased by the hormones that surged through my body while pregnant. i was completely insecure in my relationship with hubby - sure that he was only with me because of the baby, that the first opportunity that he had he would think of the past and hope to relive it. that he didn't want a family - or at least not with me. you see how these things could be very damaging to a relationship. but hubby was fantastic. i think he understood - to a degree - that it was mostly hormonal and that while it wasn't all of it, i was upset and worried and the hormones greatly exasperated that fact and turned me into a giant crazy person with way too much time on my hands to think of things like that. he would comfort me and make me feel special. and while he got very tired of always having to reassure me and checking his temper in the face of mine, he continued to reassure me and check his temper. and why would he do that? because he truly loves me. for all that i am and all that i worry about the past, i see that now. i understand what makes me different from his ex's and why he chose me to marry and how he is very happy with his life now. i understand it because i have finally given up the ghosts of the past. whenever i get a little down about my past or his, i just have to think back to what a friend of hubby's told me. she said that she's never seen him this happy before. and that it was thanks to me and joel. i can also stop and look at our life and realize that we've both finally gotten what we wanted - and that is the best reassurance of all.

i hope hubby knows how much i greatly appreciate him and his infinite patience. the one time that he slept over at buzz's because we were fighting was horrible for both of us. we will never do that again. and while we probably won't work out all our differences and arguments in one day, we've agreed to never let them separate us. i don't think i could be a stay-at-home mom without his support. i don't know that i could have gone through a natural childbirth without him by my side. i don't know that i would have been able to go through day to day life if it weren't for him during my pregnancy. he has been a wonderful friend, husband and support. i am forever grateful that we found each other. and i hope that i show my appreciation daily, as he does with me.

what is this amazing ability of babies to completely change the way you think of the world? they can't really interact until they are around 3-4 months old, and even then it's a smile and a coo. they cry ALOT - mostly because you haven't met a need that they have or because they DON'T WANT TO GO TO SLEEP!!! (that's what tb's cry sounds like when he's tired.) you must change their diaper, which involves wiping their tiny little old man butt and you must burp them which involves cleaning up the inevitable spit-up that WILL get on the floor by way of dripping down your back. (the feeling of fresh warm spit-up on your back is not a thought that i wish to treasure, to be honest.)

however, it's a small price to pay. i'm absolutely loving being a mom. i love honey more every day because he supports me and wants me to stay at home with turtle-bug and found the means to make it happen. i'm loving being married to honey. he is such a thoughtful, caring, attentive man. and turns out, he's a GREAT father. he plays with tb daily (mostly in the way of making fun of him because he's a baby, but at least there is a song that goes with it and so far tb doesn't seem to mind!) and will let me sleep in on the weekend.

do i have THE perfect life? no. but i have a wonderful, fulfilling life with a man that i love (who loves me back), a beautiful child, dreams of expanding the family and buying a house, and friends and family who love and support me and my family. i don't believe that there is such a thing as perfect. not in the general sense. to me, my life is perfect. sure, it has it's ups and downs. but it's still perfect FOR ME. see that's the key. what is perfect for me may be completely horrible and unacceptable for you. and that's okay. that what makes us individual. and it's a beautiful thing, don't you think?

Okay - if you've never played this game, you don't know what you are missing! It's not that it's just that much fun, it's that you are in total control of an entire universe, basically. You control the actions, clothing, appearance, hobbies, EVERYTHING that your people do. It's great! And it's incredibly addictive - hubby and I have to fight over who gets to play! We tag team it for now - but I'll get it when he goes to work! Just you watch and see!